Thursday, December 1, 2011
Grief at month 4
November has been the second most challenging month since Gemi died. I should say that in general November was a stressful month and since the accident, whenever I get stressed the grief comes back. Also, knowing I was going to be returning to the scene of the accident caused a LOT of stress.
Being at the house was better than I thought, as long as I avoided the kitchen (where the accident happened). Being in the kitchen for any length of time was very hard (but somehow I still managed to eat my weight in food). There were also times when the dogs got playing a little rough and I would immediately break it up. Fortunately I was able not to think about it too much there (I suppressed the memory), so I didn't have too many PTS flashes. (To make up for it, I had those the week before and since coming home). It may also have helped that I set my expectations for the trip low, as long as no one died or was seriously injured it was going to be a fine trip.
I am still plagued with guilt about the accident that comes in waves. I still feel guilty that I can have and love LeeLee in spite of what happened. I continue to be a little hyper-vigilant about safety in general, which I know makes me a little annoying at work.
But I continue to try and move forward. I realize this will probably be a life long process because I am hoping that I won't have to deal with anything worse.
So today on the 4th month since her death, if I can't celebrate her life (and I will try), I will at least be able to celebrate life in general and the return of my brother in law (and one of Gemi's people) from his tour in Afghanistan. (As I type this, he should be landing in Ottawa).
So my life goes on, even if my heart is much heavier than it was.