Thursday, December 1, 2011

Grief at month 4

November has been the second most challenging month since Gemi died. I should say that in general November was a stressful month and since the accident, whenever I get stressed the grief comes back. Also, knowing I was going to be returning to the scene of the accident caused a LOT of stress.

Being at the house was better than I thought, as long as I avoided the kitchen (where the accident happened). Being in the kitchen for any length of time was very hard (but somehow I still managed to eat my weight in food). There were also times when the dogs got playing a little rough and I would immediately break it up. Fortunately I was able not to think about it too much there (I suppressed the memory), so I didn't have too many PTS flashes. (To make up for it, I had those the week before and since coming home). It may also have helped that I set my expectations for the trip low, as long as no one died or was seriously injured it was going to be a fine trip.

I am still plagued with guilt about the accident that comes in waves. I still feel guilty that I can have and love LeeLee in spite of what happened.  I continue to be a little hyper-vigilant about safety in general, which I know makes me a little annoying at work.

But I continue to try and move forward. I realize this will probably be a life long process because I am hoping that I won't have to deal with anything worse.

So today on the 4th month since her death, if I can't celebrate her life (and I will try), I will at least be able to celebrate life in general and the return of my brother in law (and one of Gemi's people) from his tour in Afghanistan. (As I type this, he should be landing in Ottawa).

So my life goes on, even if my heart is much heavier than it was.


  1. I was wondering how that was going to be for you..

    If you can't celebrate Gemmi's life, celebrate Lee's.

  2. It is very challenging some days. Sigh! But we move forward and Lee keeps me busy!


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