Saturday, October 1, 2011

Grief at month 2

It is hard to believe that it has been 2 full months since I said good bye to my beautiful princess Gemini. One one hand it feels like it all just happened yesterday and on the other it seems so far away.

Looking back, August is almost all a complete blur. I can still feel the crushing grief and those moments where I wonder if I am ever going to be able to breathe again. There were moments I truly didn't know how I would go on. This is not to be confused with being suicidal, rather a crushing paralyzing grief that makes one believe this horrible feeling will never, ever go away.

As time has gone on, this crushing feeling has lessoned. I am now able to think about Gemi before the accident. I can smile when I think about her. I still have moments of grief, but when it comes it is not as crushing and passes faster. 

I have changed some from the accident. I still struggle with anxiety at the dog park, but I am now able to go without crying or having a panic attack. I can only go alone at off peak hours, but it is progress. I have become "obsessed" with my dog, which people like to point out.  I think this has happened for several reasons. One, the premature loss of both Loki and Gemini have taught me that our time with our pets is too short and I am trying to squeeze in every second I can with her. Two, I still suffer from some guilt for the loss of Gemi and I catch myself thinking if I can just give one dog the perfect life, help one other dog, maybe I can be forgiven for what happened. Also, when I am stressed I tend to suffer OCD tendencies, and I am channeling this OCD into my dog (not to mention the fact that she needs lots of exercise and attention). It probably doesn't help that I have I become a dog blog follower addict:) 

I also think that Lee and I formed a different bound during those first difficult days. Yes, I had many human friends and family with me during this time and I am very, very thankful for them, but it was Lee who was with me those first long dark nights, and it was her needs and her care that got me out of bed those first days. The dog I got to help me with my first grief was both the cause and the solace of my second grief. Because of this, she and I will always have a different relationship.

We continue to move forward through the good days and bad, and try to find ways to celebrate the life of Gemini.

My princess 


  1. I can't believe it's been two months already. I think you're handling her passing very well, though. Anyime I think about Halladay or Wookie leaving, I get this awful feeling. So I can't even imagine what you've been going through.

    If/when you're ready for a friend for Hailey I think you'll know. Someone who adopted a dog with Hopeful Hearts waited months before she was ready. She followed my blog for some time and then fell in love with a dog I had mentioned in passing.

    I do hope that the guilt passes soon. It doesn't do you any good, or your hubs, or Lee. As stubborn as she may have been, Gemi certainly wouldn't want you to live with it.

  2. Thanks Mel. It has been a learning experience, and not always a good one. The guilt comes in waves. I can be fine for days and then it hits me. It is fading, so I am hoping it goes away.

    I know right now we are a one dog family. This does not stop me from looking at sites like Petfinder looking for another dog. It would take a very special dog to make me want 2 right now:) I think Hailey is enough dog . . . .

  3. It took us almost a year before we found the dog for our family, and for Halladay. Mind you, we're picky.. but still. There's no rush! Enjoy your time with Lee as I'm sure she loves being spoiled with attention right now.

  4. Very belated condolences, Kristen. I slipped in my blog browsing over the past few months. I am so sad to hear about Gemini. I hope you're finding peace and comfort in Hailey's schenanegans, and that time heals as much as possible. Hugs!

  5. Thanks Lemonie! Hope all is well with you and I look forward to your blog update soon!


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