It is hard to believe that it has been 2 full months since I said good bye to my beautiful princess Gemini. One one hand it feels like it all just happened yesterday and on the other it seems so far away.
Looking back, August is almost all a complete blur. I can still feel the crushing grief and those moments where I wonder if I am ever going to be able to breathe again. There were moments I truly didn't know how I would go on. This is not to be confused with being suicidal, rather a crushing paralyzing grief that makes one believe this horrible feeling will never, ever go away.
As time has gone on, this crushing feeling has lessoned. I am now able to think about Gemi before the accident. I can smile when I think about her. I still have moments of grief, but when it comes it is not as crushing and passes faster.
I have changed some from the accident. I still struggle with anxiety at the dog park, but I am now able to go without crying or having a panic attack. I can only go alone at off peak hours, but it is progress. I have become "obsessed" with my dog, which people like to point out. I think this has happened for several reasons. One, the premature loss of both Loki and Gemini have taught me that our time with our pets is too short and I am trying to squeeze in every second I can with her. Two, I still suffer from some guilt for the loss of Gemi and I catch myself thinking if I can just give one dog the perfect life, help one other dog, maybe I can be forgiven for what happened. Also, when I am stressed I tend to suffer OCD tendencies, and I am channeling this OCD into my dog (not to mention the fact that she needs lots of exercise and attention). It probably doesn't help that I have I become a dog blog follower addict:)
I also think that Lee and I formed a different bound during those first difficult days. Yes, I had many human friends and family with me during this time and I am very, very thankful for them, but it was Lee who was with me those first long dark nights, and it was her needs and her care that got me out of bed those first days. The dog I got to help me with my first grief was both the cause and the solace of my second grief. Because of this, she and I will always have a different relationship.
We continue to move forward through the good days and bad, and try to find ways to celebrate the life of Gemini.