Grief at year 2

The Princess wanted to sleep - bug off

It is hard to believe that it is 2 years since my Gemi died of a brain injury as a result of an accident. Her death still sits differently in my heart then Loki's. I can freely talk about Loki, laugh about Loki, and remember Loki. I try to remember the smell of Loki's fur, to hear his huffs, and to feel his breath on my check. With Gemi, given the circumstances of her death and the PTSD that came from it, I have the opposite reaction. I want to block it out. I don't want to think about her, because with her comes the accident and with the accident becomes the guilt and pain - which can still be like a knife in my chest. Much of my brain accepts it was an accident and at times I can even accept there was nothing I could do, and "shit happens."  These thoughts are often followed by the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" that bring up the guilt and pain. I am also aware that people have way worse things happen in their lives and I need to put it in perspective. I try. I try to focus on how lucky I am to live in a world with filtered water and filtered air. I am truly blessed, but this doesn't negate the fact that Gemi died on my watch. I don't think I will ever be able to re-read those blog posts about the accident. I think it would reopen wounds that are scabbed over.

The last picture I took of her

Now that being said, I now able to talk about her a bit without stabbing pains. I can laugh at my dog who must have looked up the word princess and acted it out. I can see her walking sooooooo slowly around the agility course, looking annoyed that we were making her do it, and doing it at her speed out of spite. I can feel her bites she gave every time you returned to the house (man did they hurt). I shake my head at all her bad behaviour, the wall chewing, the obsessive peeing, the disobedience. The first 3 years of her life, she was not a good dog. She was just becoming good dog when she died at age 6.

I have come to expect that this may be as good as it gets as far as my personal recovery and I have decided that is ok. Besides the pain of Gemi's death, the accident is a reminder that life is not fair and bad things can happen to everyone. Nightmares can come true. It is a crappy lesson to learn, but one most humans have to. With the pain of Gemi's death becomes this reminder that I am not immune from bad things.

Side note: It is ironic that she came into my life at the end of the previous worst time of my life (the end of my Master's and dealing with an abusive advisor) and her leaving became the new worst time in my life. I am sure there is some karmic message in that.

So today I will try and remember all the good and funny bits of Gemi. I will do my best to keep the extra pain at bay and keep it all in perspective. Today I will remember my crazy, dirty, messy girl, so full of love when it was convenient for her.

To my girl: Gemi, know that you were loved whole heartedly and are greatly missed!