Blogville 2014 New Year's Eve Bash - Make the Old Cats Laugh Comedy Hour

From Your Hosts Bagheera and Nin:

Thank you for coming to our comedy hour. We hope this hour will be entertaining. We are old and not going to waste the precious time we have left figuring out how to do a fancy vote thingy. We have sunbeams to lay in and food to whine for. Vote for your favourite joke by leaving a comment below. We have a prize for the person with the most votes. Voting will close on January 2nd at 6 pm EST. Any comments after that time won't count. We are giving 2 days to vote so if you have a little too much holiday cheer and are having trouble using the computer you have some time to recover.

The entries are in the order (or close to the order) we received them, so they are random.

Sit back and be prepared to pee your pants laughing!


Comedian #1 Frankie and Ernie from  frankiefurterprice.blogspot.com.

Did you hear the one about the Squirrel RACING up the Tree 87 miles an hour?

     
He heard that someone was wanting to ROAST his Chest and  NUTS.

Do you know what Squirrels Hate having poured over them?

  Gravy

Do you know that Squirrels FEAR most?

 One of US with a NEW COOK BOOK

Hey Everybuddy... the peeps are ALL excited to hear that THEIR Beloved   YouTube, Twitter, and FaceBook thingys are all going to MERGE into a NEW thingy...     CALLED:

  
YOU TWIT FACE   

What did the SnowFreak say when he discovered two lumps of coal in his Stocking?

       "I CAN SEE....   I CAN SEE "

Frankie and Ernie squirrel hunting

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Comedian 2: Madi from http://downhomeinnc.blogspot.ca

Q:Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn

A: She had a litter of mittens

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?

A: A sourpuss

Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?

A. A duck-filled platypuss

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Comedian #3 Daisy, Bella and Roxy from scotsmad.blogspot.com.

A woman was driving down the road when she saw a  delivery truck broken down on the side of the road.  She asked if she could help.  And the driver said, "I've got to wait here for a tow, but I've got a load of penguins I have to take to the zoo.  If I give you $50, could you take them?"

"Sure", she said and filled her car with the penguins.

Soon she was pulled over by the police and informed that she couldn't drive around with unrestrained penguins in her car.

She explained that she was taking them to the zoo, so the policeman let her go.

The next day, the policeman was shocked and annoyed to see her again with the penguins.  He pulled her over and said "Yesterday, you told me you were taking these penguins to the zoo and here you are driving around with them again!!

"Yes, I did, and we had such a good time, I'm taking them to the movies today".

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Comedian #4 Sasha from http://chicamom85-sassysasha.blogspot.com/

"A man walks in a zoo and sees only one dog there"

"It was a shih tzu"

Do you get it??? It was a shih tzu bwhaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

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Comedian # 5 Molly the Wally from http://mollythewally.blogspot.co.uk

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.  

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Comedian #6 Ranger from http://ranger-scottie.blogspot.com/

A couple of peeps are arguing about whose dog is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first peep, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," says the second peep.

"How do you know?"

"My dog told me."
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Why do squirrels swin on there back? 

 To keep their nuts dry! 

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There were four county churches in a small Scottish town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.


One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with Gods divine will.


In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.


The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Gods creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.




But  the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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Comedian #7 Up next is Wyatt and Stanzie from http://wyattgardens.blogspot.ca

Dog License

During a country-wide drive to round up al unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the drive asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Des your dog have a license?”

“No,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one.”

“Yes, he does,” answered the officer.

“But,” said the driver, “I always do all the driving.”

Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidber, and sat down to explain his problem.

“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem, the main said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”

“Oh, no, Doctor,” the man said nervously. “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”

Clever Dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”

Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”

The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any papers!

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Comedian #8: Sarge from http://sargespeaksout.blogspot.ca

Hey everyone!   Wow, it’s nice to be here with all of you for Blogville’s New Year’s Eve Bash.   I'm Sarge. 

New Year’s is a fun time, isn’t it?   Yeah, it can be a little difficult too if you hit the bar too hard.   Last year a furiend of mine was staggering home after an Eve party and got stopped by a local cop.   The cop says to him “What are you doing out here at four in the morning?”   My buddy says “I’m on my way to a lecture.”  The cop says “And who on earth in their right mind is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?”   My buddy slurred “My WIFE!”

I had another friend who was spending last New Year’s Eve in her favorite pub when she suddenly felt all festive and happy.   She jumped up on the bar and announced that at midnight she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.   Yeah, at the stroke of midnight the bartender was nearly crushed to death!   BWAR HAR HAR  

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.   Isn’t it?!?  New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper!

My Mom’s a blonde…did you know that?     She loves a good blonde joke, so here are a few I think you’ll like too.

A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech?
A: A blonde at a flashing red light

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Thanks for being here everyone!   I appreciate the laughs.   Enjoy the rest of the show folks!

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Comedian #9 Murphy & Stanley from http://murphyandstanley.blogspot.ca

These are some of my and Stanley's favorite jokes.

Q:  What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?   

A:  A golden receiver!

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?

A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?

A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?

A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

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Comedian #10 Sweet William from http://sweetwilliamthescot.blogspot.ca

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Comedian #11 Lassie and Benji from  www.lassiterchase.blogspot.com

Lassie: Hey Benji, what do you get when you combine a Tooth and a House, with a Fort, and a Teenager?

Benji: I don’t know – what do you get?

Lassie:  TOOTH HOUSE AND FORT TEEN.   

Benji:  I don’t get it...

Lassie: Just say it fast a couple of times…

Benji:  Too-thHouse-and Fort-Teen…

Benji: Too –thous-and-for-teen…

Benji:  I get it…

TWO THOUSAND FOURTEEN!  2014

Happy New Year, From Lassie and Benji.

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We are so glad we don't get to vote as everyone was so funny. You made us old cats laugh, thanks.

Record the name or number of your favourite comedian in the comments below. You have until January 2 at 6pm to vote. Winner will be announced on the 3rd.