Grief at month 5

I am posting this a day after the 5th month anniversary of Gemi's death because I made a very conscious effort to be positive over the holidays and not to get swallowed up by my grief.

Overall, December has been a significantly better month then November. There were a few days early December that were very challenging and I felt the weight of the loss crushing on me. I think this was the residual effects of visiting the accident scene and confronting it for the first time.

I am consciously working to make sure my "worried brain" (borrowing for the language of cognitive behaviour therapy) doesn't convince my "smart brain" that the accident was my fault. Some days it takes more effort than others to be positive, but hopefully using this approach will help. I have also found patterns in my grief. If I am tired or stressed about other things, my ability to cope is lessened. So I am working hard to prevent myself from being stressed or overtired.

I know dealing with this will be a life long process but I am finding the days when the grief and pain crash against me like huge waves on a stormy day are further apart and most days are "calm seas". I hope the worst of the storm is behind me and look forward to more heart recovery in 2012.