Grief at Month 3

It is hard to believe that another Gemi-less month has passed. This month feels very similar to last month in terms of grief.

I had my first panic attack of the month over the weekend. We were at the dog park and a dog was playing rough with Lee. I had wicked flashbacks to the accident, I felt dizzy and sick and started to cry and I had to keep walking and leave my husband to deal with it. I just couldn't. So going to the park alone is still not a safe thing for me to do.

 It still remains a challenge to picture her alive and well. There is still a stab in my heart everything I talk about her (even if it is sharing a fun story about her).

I must admit at this point I am tired of having to tell the "Gemi is dead" story. When I thought I had told everyone in the world, I run across someone who doesn't know and I have to talk about it again. Clearly more people need to read my blog.

Recently, I was discussing grief with a friend who had complications of an ectopic pregnancy and lost the baby about a month before Gemi died. We had not discussed the actual manifestations of our grief. When you are in the early stages of grief, you can't talk about the feelings you are living, you just have to focus on continuing to live. We both describe the feeling as suffocating and both had the worst time while in the bath or shower. Funny how our physical reactions to two different losses were so similar.

This month will be challenging. I will be returning to the scene of the accident at the end of the month to celebrate the big guy's birthday. I try not to think about it and will just deal with it when it is time.

So I still go by day by day and hope tomorrow will be a little better than yesterday.

   Princess Gemi the day Loki died

My serious girl