Grief

Miss you Gemi!

While I usually use this blog as a place to discuss the good and funny things about being a dog owner, I feel I would be remiss if I avoided the shitty parts.

I have learned a lot about grief in the 3 weeks since I said good bye to my beautiful princess.

I have lost a number of people I have loved very much, but I have never felt loss like I do over Gemi. It is even more heartache then when my Loki died. I think the circumstances of her death add a traumatic component that I have never had with loss before. My sister pointed out that our princess would want to have the death that everyone remembered, she would have wanted to out do Loki. This is so true. My girl was dramatic until the end. (Thinking of that makes me smile!)

When a wave of grief comes (and they come at random times sometimes with clear triggers and sometimes without), it is like the air around me is suddenly hot and heavy and pushing on my body. I feel like I am going to suffocate. I can't breathe or move. Everything hurts. I feel trapped in an invisible prison that I am sure I am never going to get out of. In these moments there is nothing I can do, but cry and wait for it to pass. It can last minutes, hours, or days.

Even when I am standing outside my grief (that is what it feels like when the worst is not upon me), I have noticed changes, that I hope will pass. I have trouble concentrating (thankfully I work for myself and it is a quiet time for me, so only being able to work half a day is ok). I am extra anxious about safety, mine and others. If I perceive anything as unsafe, I feel panic arise and I may have freaked out a few times over things that were probably really safe. There are some things I can't do, like I can't take Lee to the dog park alone. I am too worried she will hurt others or get hurt, or run away and what am I going to do with no dog? I have a really hard time remembering my Gemi before the accident. It feels like those 6 years have been erased and replaced with 5 hellish days. In the worst moments, I feel guilt for what happened, even though rationally I know it was an accident and I did everything reasonable during and after. Accidents happen and they really suck.

I guess the draw back to having dogs, is you fall in love with them. Loving a dog so much and having her love you so much sets you up for a loss unlike any other. I am sure I will come to the point where the joy my princess brought me for 6 years will outshine the grief. I just need to be patient (and patience is not something that comes easy to me!)